I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
