I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
