Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
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