i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
please come you make the beer taste better
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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