I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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