the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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