I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
We're too hungover to prance.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
