Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
