my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
