His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
