she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
