Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
