There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
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according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
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I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
pray to the hookup gods
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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