There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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