We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
