my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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