We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
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You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
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I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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