Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
