Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
