I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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