I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
