When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
