I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
