Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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