The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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