Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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