Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
