The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
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i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
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come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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