I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
