My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
