Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
