The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
