The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
