he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
