i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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