I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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