I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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