Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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