Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
