No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You're earring is so big in my mouth
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
