I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
When are your genitals available?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
