im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
