I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
