I want to have your abortion
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
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So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
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First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?