i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
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We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
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The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.