Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.