So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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