A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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