Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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