Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Small penises have feelings too.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
