it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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