You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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