Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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