I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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