Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
