Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
