if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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