i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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