I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I need to calm my uterus...
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
