Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
