Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
