Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
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Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
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you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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