And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
